D-Day Minus 1

Well, this will be the last post before my first radiation treatment tomorrow.  And, I have to admit that I have been more prone to wild mood swings than I thought I would be.  The overwhelming feeling is that recovery will ultimately be complete but there will be many, many bumps along the way.  By way of digression, we all know when our bodies are telling us something.  Downside is, we do not always listen.  Fortunately when my body began to tell me all was not right back in September, I paid heed as well as I could.  Finally, with the help of my ENT, Dr. J. P. Gniady, the diagnosis was finally discovered.  Not the one I hoped for, but the diagnosis none the less.  And since that point, my body has been telling me that we're going to pull through.  And I do believe that with all by heart and mind.


Of course, that doesn't prevent the other moods and feelings from having their say.  As much as I hoped to face this with bravado and reckless courage, I am quite frankly scared.  Oh, it's not at the forefront of my being, but it is indeed always lurking.  Tomorrow begins the toughest and scariest journey I will undertake since I held my then 22-year old son's hand as he took his final breath 9 years, 2 months, and 10 days ago.  Is this one harder than that??  I am proud to say that I have evolved to the point where I am not regarding that as a 'competition'.  Some of you have heard me describe the differences as, with David, it was more 'been there, seen that' for me than 'been there, done that'.  The differences may seem subtle, but they are not.  But what I am beginning to appreciate is the effort that David expended in dealing with the fears and apprehension that I now know he was feeling.  He did a great job from masking it from Mom and Dad, but I am now even more thankful for the vast network of friends that I know carried him through his moments of fear and doubt.  One more time, quick kudos to my support team!


But back to the fear, yeah, it's there, and will remain until I hear those magic words like 'remission', 'cured' and 'recovered'.  But those are a different story for a different day.  The surprise to me was the advent of anxiety.  That has been a different story and, for the past few days as the journey into the unknown looms, it is a pervasive aura over everything I do.  And, one more time, I thank Elaine for suggesting that I ask my doctor, Bonnie Gabriel, for an anti-anxiety prescription.  The past few days, I have thanked the pharmacy gods for the invention of Xanax.  I had really hoped to not have to go that route, but, I have allowed myself to come to the realization that peace of mind and comfort during the treatments will far outweigh any bizarre and misguided sense of machismo that society dictates a guy have.  I now have nothing but praise for better living through chemistry!!


OK, gentle readers, enough rambling for now.  Stay tuned for the first installment of radiation tomorrow when I should be absolutely 'glowing' about now!


Peace and love to all!
Joe